Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh

I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.

Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”

Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.

Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.

Me: I said handstandwich!

If snakes were wide

Me: *opens a package*

5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!

Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.

5:

Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.

I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”

Me, “*You’re.”

May have lost a new client but they learned something today.

Me: “Time to go to sleep.”

My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”

Ohio sounds like someone greeting a friend they didn’t expect to see then immediately realising it’s actually someone else

I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so

I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me

If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.

Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.

i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now

Why did Adele cross the road?

To say hello from the other side

I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.

“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.

Yesterday, I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at our local park.
Yes that’s right
She sells c cells down by the seesaw!

fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you

To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, access

Then check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check it

I can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)

My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says

Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”

Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”

Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”

GUY: my new boss is gay

ME: my new bed sheets are warm

GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?

ME: exactly

I can still remember the words my father said to me on my wedding night “let’s hope this ones not a whore like the last one!”

One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.

So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.

Me: Can we get back to talking about me?
Therapist: Why not. Everyone else is.
Me: What?
Therapist: What?

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

l’ll call it my oughtabiography

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone

Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)

Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?

Me: Of course. One sec

(Resets phone to factory settings)

Me: Here you go