A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
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My doctor was so right about clear liquids giving me more energy. After 4 vodka martinis, I wanted to paint the house.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
Me (texting): Help I’m in the pantry hiding from the murderer
Murderer: Probably shouldn’t have used speech-to-text
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Wearing shades inside makes me look cool, right?
*Trips over the cat*
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Breaking news:
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
*goes shopping without makeup and a hair in the messy bun*
“Hi everybody I ever met since 1999”
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
them: are you with someone or are you alone?
me: *winks* who’s asking?
them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
find these 10 emoji for no good reason