A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
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[Antichrist emerging from the ground]
*looks around*
Oh, I see you’ve all been doing a good job without me.
Winner of the first annual socially distancing award goes to…
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
the way he checked his surroundings 😭
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
The Eggorcist
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
Babies are very like governments, you know. Constant appetite at one end, constant mess at the other. And they only ever get bigger.
❤️❤️❤️
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Be nice to us folks who wear glasses. We paid money to see you.
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
Boss: Stop putting fake teeth marks in the urinal cakes. You’re freaking out the customers.
Me: Fake?
Algorithm: noticed u lingered on this pic of a frog for 14 seconds
Me: I was refilling my vape
Algorithm: got some more frogs for ya. frog freak. u like that
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Have kids so they can wake you at 2 a.m. yelling with what you think is a nightmare and your adrenaline spikes as you rush to their room worried and ready to console them but instead find out they’re just complaining that “it’s too boring in here”
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
#DesignFail
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a