Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.

Went in my local the other day, new barman very smiley and chatty I ordered a pint and a vodka tonic for my wife, he smiled and asked ‘single?’ I replied sorry mate I’m married, he said I meant double or single vodka pal. Got to find a new local.

Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse

My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.

Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*

Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.

He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.

flight attendant: is there a doctor onboard?

dad: *nudging me* that could’ve been you

me: not now, dad

dad: not asking for a standup comic to help, are they?

me: dad, there’s a medical emergency happening rn

dad: go and see if “what’s the deal with lamp shades” helps

My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”

7-year-old: How late can I stay up?

Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.

7: I’m going to bed now.

a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???

Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.

Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]

Neo:

Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which

Everyone has at least one closet that feels like it was set up by Kevin McCallister in Home Alone.

I just opened the closet to get the vacuum cleaner and a muffin tin fell on my head, two sheet pans landed on my feet and a broom handle tipped out and impaled me in the stomach.

People who say I tend to give up too fast on things should- eh, know what, never mind.

I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?

Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take

Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave

They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on

*bumps into old work colleague*
*chats for 30 seconds*
Them: “we should totally catch up soon”
My brain: no, this was enough catching!

[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”

[David Attenborough narrating my life]

Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall

i married for love

but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored

Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.

When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.

Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad

<thud>

*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop

If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.

he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.