A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
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me: i need to make a follow up appointment
receptionist: ok how about 10 next tuesday
me: no i only need one
Just heard my husband in the kitchen telling our cat “You’re not hungry, you’re bored. Drink some water.”
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
I went to collect my dracula costume, ready for Halloween. They handed me a Manchester United shirt instead.
I explained, “Sorry, you must have misheard me, I wanted to dress as a COUNT!” 🧛🏻♂️
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
just yelled YOU DONT KNOW ME at uplifting bathroom graffiti that read “you are enough”
When I pretend to know what I am talking about when I have to go car shopping.
my mother smoked while she was pregnant with me so i’m like basically bbq
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name