a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
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“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Social Media and Real life
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too
[calls up friend]
Remember when you said I wouldn’t ever make it on TV? Well turn on the news!
“Okay, but why are you calling from jail?”
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
[restaurant owners meeting]
“we should start asking customers if they’ve been here before”
why though?
“absolutely no reason at all”
ok deal
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Everyone is gangster until they’re asked to reveal a “fun fact” about themself as part of a work event icebreaker.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..