Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.

I found a message in a bottle. It said: don’t pollute.

So I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.

Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!

[walks into kitchen]

Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.

Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”

~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~

Me, “I want a divorce.”

me: there’s some loud construction work going on in my street, so guess you could say I’m getting hammered

everyone on this work call:

set yourself free xox

Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now

[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R

imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.

Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.

the ADHD urge to use parenthesis in every sentence (because every thought comes with additional bonus content)

ME [proudly]: I threw a penny in and made a wish

CORONER [reopening the chest cavity]: ugh we talked about this

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

stephen king’s mind:

what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?

The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.

in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,

*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*

I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.

[at the airport]
Customs: Do you have any drugs in your bag, Ma’am?
Me: Sure. What can I get you?

son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?

dad: sure, I’ll join you.

son: should we watch them back to back?

dad: no side by side probably works better.

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

If cereals for kids have toys inside, cereals for adults should have prizes that adults like inside. Raisin Bran should have a pair of ear plugs at the bottom. Grape Nuts should come with a two-pack of advil.

If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.

Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.