Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?

Me: yes, please! *opens purse*

Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.

what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am

If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

My cousin Clevis got thrown out of the Thanksgiving party. He kept insisting that some of us were really aliens in disguise.

“You can’t both be my half brother! Can’t they simplify fractions on your planet? Two half brothers is one regular brother! One of y’all is a liar!”

me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.

My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep

Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim

Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.

[Creating snakes]
God: Poison bite, no legs

Angel: whoa, intense

God: And and and give em knives for tongues!

Angel: That seems excessive

God: *sigh* Fine, forks

me irl

Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there

I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.

Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.

There are innumerable mental health benefits of spending time in nature, but that doesn’t mean coming into the forest and screaming “fix my life” at the trees.

sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.

Me: For the record…you did preface it with “When you get a chance…”

Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.

I onder hich one.

[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know

Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things

Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]

You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.

There’s no in-between.

Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?

Me: I think people find me intimidating

Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-

Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder