@kiralc

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

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@kelkulus

My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.

@djabish3k

I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.

@Unathi_

That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh

@Jake_Vig

THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?

ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.

@visionbored2

every successful marriage consists of one person who will play board games with the kids and one person who values their sanity

@ShutUpThatsWho

ME: gimme a double

BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]

ME: no I meant a double Scotch

BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]

@jillboard

REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks

@therepoguy

If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”

@TheBoydP

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously