@kiralc

a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians

You Might Also Like

@1Happytwit

They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.

@CruisinSoozan

I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.

@SaddleLawman

Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.

@rockymomax

[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs

@HatfieldAnne

Let’s have some fun! I’m up for anything today!*

*As long as there aren’t too many stairs.

@INDlAN_

Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me

@OfficeofSteve

Apes stopped waving at us ever since they found out we evolved from them

@Tmoney68

“Congratulations on the baby! Childbirth is so beautiful!” – Someone who has clearly never witnessed the birth of a child.

@ItsAndyRyan

Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.