My iPhone has 2 million times the storage of the 1969 Apollo 11 spacecraft computer. They went to the moon. I throw birds at pig houses.
a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
You Might Also Like
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
every successful marriage consists of one person who will play board games with the kids and one person who values their sanity
ME: gimme a double
BARMAN: [places an exact replica of me on the bar]
ME: no I meant a double Scotch
BARMAN: [puts a kilt on my replica]
REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
If your wife says “take out the trash” do not reply with “you cooked it you take it out.”
Son: dad, where do vegans come from?
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously