a murder of crows, a troop of monkeys, a pod of dolphins, a herpe of Kardashians
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Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Hot Fuzz; Sea mine
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
the guy who came up with the name “eggnog” should get to name more things
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
Bread puns are on the rise!
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.