Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

just saw a guy brake for a squirrel, buddy behind him lays on his horn, but then sees the squirrel so sticks his head out the window and yells “SORRY!”

still, it’s only the 3rd most Canadian thing i’ve seen so far today.

My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.

THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.

THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—

[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’

I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”

Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras

So, what’s the suspension like on one of these? Does it have good road handling? What’s the spring rate?
~ me, bra shopping

I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”

If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this

I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it

This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.

Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.

Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind

Rainbows

Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.

Gorilla glue is amazing. I haven’t seen a broken gorilla in years

Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.

Skipping rocks with 11 at the lake thinking how great it is she’s not looking at a screen when she says, “This is fun, do you think there’s an app for this?”

Imagine having chills and then imagine those very chills multiplying. That’s what life is like for John Travolta

Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.

responding “ummmm i have a boyfriend” anytime a coworker asks me to do something in my job description

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.

Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.

Idiots

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.

My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.