a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
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You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
Working front desk at Motel 6 wasn’t paying the bills so I started dealing meth to the housekeepers. It was an Inn side job.
“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made horrible tea.
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
A delivery service only for potatoes (and some other root veggies): TuberEats
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
[inventing mint choc-chip]
me: “people love ice cream right?”
boss: “yes they do”
me: “people love chocolate chips?”
boss: “i hear ya”
me: “know what else people love?”
boss: “hit me”
me: “brushing their teeth”
“Opening a llama acting school called ‘Save the Drama for your Llama.”
“No, I mean where do you see yourself in 5 years with this job?”
Me: It’s not how often you fall down, it’s how many times you get up that matters.
Cop: That’s not how field sobriety tests work.
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Haiku is simple.
But not for my dog Buddy.
He sucks at counting.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
JUDGE: so u plan to plead insanity?
ME: let me double-check with my counsel
*A googly-eyed sock puppet whispers in my ear*
ME: yes ur honor
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’
Clerk: Pants are implied
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february