a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
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Your honor, if you watch the tape in reverse you can clearly see the officer planting the evidence in my vehicle.
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
LIFE HACK: solve every murder mystery by being the murderer
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
My grandma (99, dementia) was at a trivia night in her memory care unit and they asked “Who shot JFK?” and she said “I did.”
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
I’ll never understand why anyone would want to kidnap a child, kids suck.
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
Wife’s friend: So what was your C section like?
Wife: Well, it wa….
Me: Omg it was AWFUL. I had to just stand there for like 30 minutes
*Asking the price for something way too expensive but also shy*
Me – Excuse me. How much is this?
Salesman – Ten thousand dollars.
Me – Oh…. I’ll take three.
*sets place on fire before paying*
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Just said something embarrassing at a party. Prob should leave but I live here
If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog