a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
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NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Alexa is the ouija board I won’t allow in my own house, but will use in yours.
not to be confused with the baby elephant-sized meteor as heavy as 4 corgis!!
Hold up how is Popeye strong enough to squeeze a metal can of spinach into his mouth BEFORE he’s eaten the spinach
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
*house explodes into flames*
Kids: mom, what’s for dinner?
I mean, COME ON! It’s not like I MEANT to serve sangria instead of kool aid to my Sunday School class but at least those animal crackers were straight up legit!
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s the sky.
Toddler: what’s sky mean?
Me: sky means sky.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: that’s grass.
Toddler: what’s grass mean?
Me: grass means grass.
Toddler: what’s that?
Me: tears.
Toddler: what’s tears mean?
Me: it means please just stop.
Hard not to take this personally
I finally confronted the person that’s eating all my snacks at home, bro had the nerve to hide in the bathroom mirror.
I can’t believe one of you losers hasn’t married me yet
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
There was a praying mantis in my room so I stealthily grabbed a shoe and smashed my 2nd-story window and jumped out.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.