a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
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Raised by wolves. Sent to college by wolves. Moves back home with wolves. Learns to ignore wolf-mom’s worried glances.
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Saw the washing machine only had 6 minutes left so I decided to wait in the basement until it was done. That was 4 hours ago.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
[foreplay]
her: [seductively] whisper something sexy in my ear
me: [leans in] pizza
Wax museum director: What are we going to do with all this old wax?
Twizzlers CEO: We’ll take it.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
There’s a woman at the bar who is cheering the debate at unpredictable intervals and I was completely unable to figure out her politics until we realized she’s playing bingo
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle
The jungle: please stop bringing people here
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute