a murderer snaps my neck but my body just slowly starts to turn neon green
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I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
i would wish you the best but i am the best
airlines should have an option where you can book distances rather than just destinations. here’s 100 bucks, take me as far as that’ll get me. just drop me in the Atlantic ocean, I’ll figure it out.
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
Me: I don’t like scones.
British Friend: Ah mate you just haven’t had them the proper way.
Me: What do you mean?
British Friend: You need some good jam, a scoop of clotted cream, have some tea and take sips in between bit-
Me: I dont think you like scones either.
This is the weirdest thing I’ve ever typed, but I have had a treadmill for four years and TODAY OUT OF THE BLUE IT TALKED.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
Dr: You’ve gained some weight
Me: You said I should take it easy
Dr: That was a yr ago & you were sick
Me: WELL I’M NOT A MIND READER
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
breaking: earthling wins 70th consecutive miss universe title
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Excited to reach 100k on Gmail, thanks everyone for the support on my creator journey
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
I can’t find anything in my job description about being awake
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Cobra Kai: sweep the leg!
Cobra: the what
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”