a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I think that news channel only hired you as a weather forecaster so they could see you get hit by a stop sign in a hurricane.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.
[the funeral of the writer of the hokey-pokey]
funeral director: why is it taking so long to get him in the coffin?
employee: well every time i put his left leg in…
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
JAMES BOND: Bond. James Bond. I’m the best-known spy in the world.
ME: “Best-known”? But that would make you the WORST spy in th– *slumps over with cyanide cufflink in my neck*
*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend
Outside is where I can see all the leg hair I missed when shaving so maybe I should be shaving my legs outside.
Superhero Movies Love to Have Villains Who Are Totally Right… Until They’re Randomly Super Wrong
If I ever had an out-of-body experience I would at least insist upon an upgrade upon my return.
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
My 6-year-old is looking at pictures of me when I was 18 and she keeps saying “You still look the same!” Might write her siblings out of the will and leave everything to her idk
For my next trick, I’ll be at a bar then magically reappear face down on my bedroom floor without a clue how I got there.
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“OMG, it’s so big!”
(Your ego)
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
*Dial-up modem gets on stage at a whale rap battle*
“BEEEEEWoooooo BLEEeeeeee BING bing ping”
*drops mic**stunned whale crowd loses it*
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
Can’t trust anyone that refuses to admit
They are wrong.Sidenote: I do have a place to hide their bodies.
HR informed me that grabbing Janet’s face because she was popping her gum is not “appropriate” but guess who’s not popping their gum anymore?
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]