a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.
Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Play Sharknado for an old person and tell them that it’s a live news broadcast.
Mayo fridge always be filled with condiments
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
Why do meteors always land in craters?
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Why are we wasting time on all these “beware of dog” signs?
I’ve never met a cat that wasn’t obviously plotting to kill somebody…
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.