a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
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[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
I want this so bad
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”
“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
if you can’t judge a book by its cover then graphic design is a big fat lie
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
It’s pretty impressive how chill toddlers are most of the time when you remember that they usually have 0 context for anything that is happening.
Today, a week after we moved to another state, my son looked around and then asked, “are we still on earth?”
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
“can you send us a writing sample?” no but i can send you multiple screenshots of me killing it in the group chat
thanksgiving should be called feaster
Made a special running playlist that’s nothing but zombie moans & shuffling feet. I’ve lost 20 pounds & can run a 4:30 minute mile.
boss: why are you so late?
me: why are you so obsessed with me?