A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Hey, people who leave the volume on an odd, non divisible by 5 number, how do you live with yourselves?!
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
damn he’s good
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
ME: *catches the bouquet* Yes! I’m next, losers! Haha!
SOME RELATIVE: This is a strange funeral reception.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning wordle streak.
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
It’s a horror movie called Overalls in the Portapotty.
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
*Babysitting my 7 year old nephew*
My sister: And don’t let him eat too much junk food. And don’t let him talk to strangers. And don’t let him stay up too late watching scary movies.
My nephew: Ok i’ll try.
by milkshake she means trash and by boys she means raccoons and it’s a real problem in that neighborhood
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: And I was just trapped in my bed, crying for hours
Cop: I’m not surprised with a murderer in your house
Me: There was a murderer in my house?
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running