A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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Webb. James Webb.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Fun fact: If Celine Dion sang only the vowels in her name, it would be the lyrics to Old McDonalds Farm.
Doctor: Was it all fun and games?
Me [missing an eye]: Yah, up to a point
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
*impatiently waits for Google Maps to update so I can see what a neighbour is building in his backyard*
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
My boyfriend always complains that I never smile, but he’s the one who wanted a serious relationship.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Introverted vegans go meetless
I love my sister and even when I struggled as a teenage lesbian shes been a wonderful ally but how do I tell her that whenever we’re watching something and an unexpected gay scene happens she doesn’t have to turn to me and stare at me like this 😊
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
I purposely overcook my holiday turkeys so I don’t have to hear anyone at the table say, “moist.”
something like this could probably happen to anyone
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
stand with me against insufficient seating
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
The Fast & The Furious 10: Now They All Work At AutoZone Together
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
Him: You seem super chill.
Me: You seem like a bad judge of character.