A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
me (smirking as i pick a card): what next
magician: now you close your eyes
me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever
magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention
[my friends all applaud]
Obama says he supports gay marriage because his views have “evolved.” Republicans unsure which half of the sentence to get more angry about.
Me: *climbing down* The best revenge is living in a well.
Friend: That’s not the saying!
Me: *shouting up* You’ll all be sorry!
ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
😬
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
Finding love on twitter is like pulling a diamond ring out of a septic tank but nothing is impossible
me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?
moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.
‘God given talent’ is a weird idea.
God: “Hmmm, I’ll give it to that kid and let the other millions work in data entry.”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.