A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
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At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
Her: You secretly think you’re smarter than everyone else, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
Quit calling yourself an agent of chaos, you’re 50.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Kale: i strengthen the immune system
Avocado: i’m a healthy fat
Quinoa: i provide fiber & protein
Deep Fried Twinkie: i cause diabetes
Me: six twinkies please
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
problems i need
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back
It is 87 degrees outside and I am melting in this courtroom. I said, “Judge may we approach?” Co-counsel and I walk to the bench and I said, “Your Honor my 51 years is showing. I am about to faint it is so hot.” Judge, “Oh. My bad. I had a chill. I flipped the heat on.”
You did what sir?!
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot