Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

me: hey can I read that recipe

internet: here’s a video of how to make it

me: can I just read it

internet: WATCH THE VIDEO

Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min

if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?

You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?

Mosquitos

I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.

Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

How to get a guys attention:

1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV

Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.

writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound

Customer: where might I find chicken livers?

Me: on the inside

What she said: wanna share some nachos?

What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?

I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.

My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.

Me: I’m nervous for my date.
Friend: Just exaggerate to impress her
{during date}
Her: What’s something you’re proud of?
Me: I invented milk

At family dinners, I always offer to bring the potato dish. It’s always vodka.

My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.

And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

Sometimes I open my dog’s giant food bag with a knife so she is impressed with my kibble hunting skills.

Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.

– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?

– Rhino

– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn

[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]

Me: hi I think we were separated at birth

Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive