A mustache is just mouth bangs.
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“Maybe I don’t need this second cup of coffee,” she said as she reached for the turkey gravy instead of the milk.
“…nevermind.”
Maybe the reason violence never solves anything is cuz theres never enough of it, you dont know.
Google Maps places way too much faith in my ability to find my destination on my left in 800ft
Technically, it’s not road rage once you pull into their living room.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
I never met a problem I couldn’t make worse
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
Thinking about stepping down from being an adult, I’m just not in the right headspace for this position right now.
I really appreciate the opportunity though.
7-year-old: You got a letter!
Me: It’s a bill. I owe money.
7: Not if you throw it away.
She’s my financial planner now.
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
[ field trip to the zoo ]
Teacher: what’s your favorite animal?
Debra: I like zebras!
Deborah: I like zeborahs!
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
me: here’s a glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
My wife has the flu and asked for help around the house so I bought her a Roomba
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”
[on a plane]
Stewardess: “Would you like a mint? It’ll help your ears during takeoff”
Me: “Sure, can I have two?”
*puts one in each ear*