A mustache is just mouth bangs.
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Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Anyone else get nervous when their life is going too well? Like right now I have 3 phone chargers.
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
America: School 6-18 should be free. More than free! MANDATORY
“Hey can you cover school 19-22 also?”
No that’s socialism
“19-20?”
SOCIALISM
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
so I rewatched Top Gun and let me just say if some horny pilot ever follows my daughter into an officer’s club bathroom I hope she punches him in the face
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
I forgot how to panic. Help
If you watch Jurassic Park backwards it’s about dinosaurs spitting out people.
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Told my fiancée that I cook when I’m stressed. Tell me why this lady looks me in the eye and calls me a pressure cooker 🥲
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
Has anyone thought of putting together a montage of celebrities singing Imagine to help get us through these economically challenging times
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
me: my father fought in the war
her: which one?
me: I’ve only got one dad
One time John Waters spilled water on me and my mom said “thank god his name isn’t John Barbecue Sauce!”
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
