A mustache is just mouth bangs.
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what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
*jesus walking on water*
Jesus: 12 disciples and not one of you is filming this?!
Guy at door: How would you like to make a donation to our local orphanage?
Dad: yea sure [yells up to me] son, you live with this guy now!
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
Homeschooling update day 3:
Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
Ahh Monday.. Like the unpleasant realisation of an auto renewal that’s 3 X the original price
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Real House Wines.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
“Put that down, Alan! I told you those are for company.”
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.