A mustache is just mouth bangs.
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There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
me: I need to speak with the megaster
megachurch pastor: we’re still called ministers
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
[kissing every meatball before loading it onto sub]
subway employee: I’m pretty sure you’re not supposed to do that
me: oh i don’t work here
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I’m not saying that I’m clueless. But I just realized that the guy that told me 8 years ago “I don’t like your pants, you should take them off *wink* ” was flirting with me.
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you until you regret it.
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Forgot to tie my bikini top back before I stood up from sunbathing on the beach. Now I know how to get help carrying my chairs to the car.
Vampire: How did you find me?!
Me: We waited outside all night for you to get back
Vampire: So it was a stakeout
Me: lmao
Vampire: lmaoooo
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
