Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks

skydiving instructor: absolutely not

Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar

If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?

Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.

[plane about to crash]

him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.

me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.

ME: will you *opens box* marry me

HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp

ME: idk is that a yes

SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?

HIM: Sure.

SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE:

HIM:

SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.

Person: Breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Lunch and dinner: We’re standing right here!

I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”

me: genocide is bad

guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?

me: it’s not

guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is

me: a-are those laminated

It must be hard for a vampire to floss their fangs when they can’t see their reflection in a mirror.

Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.

Universe: Hold my beer.

ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?

KIDS: YES!

ME: then go outside

Me: do that thing I like

Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.

I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.

Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.

My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it

just had an email from my barber saying that his shop is back open and offering ‘one to one appointments’, which implies the existence of the somewhat terrifying ‘group haircut’

[Patient room]

ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell

Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?

4-year-old: You!

Me: Who’s your favorite dad?

4: Mom.

So close.

DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*

ME: cmon man

DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*

ME: I’m so hungry, David

The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”

6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken

😳

Sorry ISIS but we already have a religious state that nobody likes and is full of people that hate modern thinking: it’s called Kansas.

me: I can’t decide what to have

waiter: what about the duck?

duck: I’ll have lasagna

[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.

Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5

Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126

A Story in Three Acts

I. My car smells weird, and I can’t figure out why.

II. I can’t find the nectarines and mango I bought last week.

***INTERMISSION: Golly gee willickers, I sure am loving these 114-degree heat index days. ***

III. Noooooooooooooooo

This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.

My mom is learning how to use emoji and today she sent me the thumbs up. Did my mom break up with me? Oh well. We had a pretty good run.