Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!

her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot

the guy I interviewed just now not only got up from his chair to get his DoorDash order, he then decided to eat it during the interview (spaghetti)

“Don’t take this the wrong way”

Translation: Prepare for insult.

At one point during our audit on Friday my hot boss called me “babe.” That means for the rest of you that your window of opportunity is closing…

Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.

*two days later*

Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
Me: Yep.

There’s no way I’m the only person who thinks Kristen Stewart is doing the world’s best Garfield impression.

Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016

Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.

Well, boo hoo.

My dad was actively aggressive.

Just ask my hand.

To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!

ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY

Please, Daddy was my father. Call me Son

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]

now I can bring my cats to work.

This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.

Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life

Worst part of a robot uprising would be trying to explain what ai technology is to our grandparents. My grandpa can’t grasp the concept of wifi, there’s no way he’s surviving Siri with a gun.

[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R

wut hotdog?

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”

Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”

Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.

Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.

LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡

My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.

roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti

me: I’m into essential oils

pal: oh yeah, what’s ur favourite

me: canola

Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me

[runs into friends with baby]

Me: OMG WHO’S THIS LITTLE GUY.

Friends:*picks up baby* wanna hold him?

Me:*kneeled next to dog* what?