A nasal spray that’s filled with glitter, so when you sneeze it’s like a confetti popper.
You Might Also Like
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
One of the most unexpected results of my extended sobriety is that I’m still clumsy as hell.
I always eat cake like I’m about to be caught.
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
“Daddy, I was just in the bathroom peeing, nothing else. That’s all, so you don’t need to look.”
– my 6yo, not sounding at all suspicious
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!
“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”
– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
Two bacteria walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t serve bacteria here.”
And the bacteria says, “But we work here. We’re staph.”
please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke
-hearing my dog about to puke
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.
Spiders are all like, “I’m gonna build my home right above this dude’s head.”
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
No, he would not have.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
I have taken up painting
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.