A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
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A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
Iron Man: I’ll hack into their security.
Hulk: HULK SMASH DOOR!
Thor: I’ll silence their guards.
Captain America: What’s a microwave?
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years
Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
[penguin waddles into computer repair store]
“Hi yes my laptop is frozen”
…
Computer repair guy – “how did you get to Milwaukee”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
Science can’t explain why your bathroom is at least 9x further away from your bedroom at 1am
Rich ppl should ride ambulances to flex instead of limos or whatever. I got a limo for my senior prom big deal. I know like one person who’s ridden an ambulance and their children’s children are going to be in debt for it
WIFE:Did you get the spaghetti?
ME:Better.
WIFE:Better?
ME:Look at this crazy, wild spaghetti I found outside! *hands just full of snakes*
High school never prepared me for how many times I would have to fix a toilet when I grew up.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
I’m get sick of hearing people bitch about $8 beers. $15 parking and a $20 cover charge. If you don’t like the prices , stop coming to my house
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
MyFitnessPal:
“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”
ONE METRIC TON!!
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?