A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
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I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
the lady that filled the bird feeder was two hours late and chester was starting to get pissed
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me: don’t be hitting!
Her, 5: I didn’t hit him!
Him, 9: you threw a block at me!
Her, 5: yeah, but I missed!
coworker: [talking about having children]
me: aww man I can’t have children
coworker: why
me: because I hate them
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows (2011) A bunch of adults trash a high school bc a noseless man thinks a child is better than him at magic
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
Babies really be acting like they’re the victim of a terrible crime when really you’re just trying to put warm PJs on them so they’ll sleep comfortably.
I had two werewolves inside me, but I lost them both, so now I have wherewolves
Hot Ones isn’t extreme enough. Cover a wing in bees.
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
According to my fitness app, I ate 5 miles of Chicken Parm
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon