Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*

Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.

waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?

hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing

[DUI checkpoint]

Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger

Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.

Learning how to break wooden boards in karate is important in case you ever get in a fight with a house.

Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs

I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Licked a frog once.

He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.

🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?

Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place

Nobody:

My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

[Carpool]

Me: Look, it’s a long commute and I only have time to eat in the car

Co-worker: But I can’t see the road over your fajita station

Me: *chewing* Sounds like a you problem

One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.

The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away

those beautiful naked women have made a compelling argument i’m going to steer this ship into the rocks

Today it’s going to be really important that you listen well because we have to take a plane, train, and subway—

7yo: did you know if you spin in a circle really fast like this you fall down?

Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless

Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture

you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.

Looks like Alexander Graham Bell is calling me.

me: *stabs vampire*

wife: omg

me: *beats zombie to death*

wife: OMG

me: what

wife: ur supposed to give them candy

I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store

If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again

ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.

GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.

ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.