Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.

COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.

ME: no hurry.

[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor

As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.

On a related note, my new contacts came in.

Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.

Me: *Living in the US for 18 years*

Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*

Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?

I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.

She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue

Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.

My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.

My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.

Feeling betrayed because my kid found my stash of Reese’s peanut butter cups that I originally took from his stash

asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss

Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.

How bad is it for Prince Andrew? Under today’s Royal Decree he’s banned from eating Burger King, Dairy Queen or Duke’s Mayo.

I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.

True freaking story!

When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.

I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.

Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.

Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls

I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.

Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.

me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?

therapist: i’m all ears

me: *screaming*

son: will you come do flips with me on the trampoline?

me: you know I make a sound when I get off the couch, right?

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon

God: this animal is called a woodchuck

Angel: because it can ch-

God: lmao no

My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.

Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!

Judge: That is literally what is happening here.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?