Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.

[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*

Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.

I’m not even sorry…

I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

*Gets on plane*

*Takes out earbuds*

*Untangles earbuds*

*Plane lands*

I overheard office gossip about someone being an alcoholic but I’m too drunk to crawl off the floor too find out who.

“What’s your name?”

“Sharky.”

“Is that your real name?”

“Does it matter?”

“I guess not.”

*hands me my order*

I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days

some women wear fake wedding rings in public so they don’t get hit on but I swear by my floor-length victorian widow’s veil

“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.

The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.

writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong

writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

Telling my car to speak English when a dashboard light comes on.

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it

*first and last day as a therapist *

patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room

me: you’re not alone

patient: aaaahhhhhhh

Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.

Me: oh shit, our new doormat says ‘Welcome,’ do you think any vampire can just come in now?

BF: just turn it around.

GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.

MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong

Husband: It’s nice but we’re looking for something bigger

Me, a realtor: Absolutely

Wife: And not a bounce house

Me: *bouncing more softly* How do you mean

Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?

Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.

work smarter, not harder

[yoga]

INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*

[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger

My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.

Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.

while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application

Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.

Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.