A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
I won twenty bucks on a lotto scratcher tonight – do I HAVE to go to work tomorrow?
ME: I’m so happy, I could treat a horse!
WIFE: *sighs* That’s not a saying
[spoon-feeding ice cream to horse] Don’t listen to her Mr Butters
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Now this is my first time cooking poisonous blowfish, so go easy on me.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
The Flo Rida song Friday bothers me so much
“I wish every day was Friday.”
The magic of Friday is the anticipation of the weekend, and if every day was Friday there would be no weekend.
No one let this man make a wish on a monkey paw.
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
channeling her this year
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
I love raccoons. Part cat. Part dog. Part rodent. Part bear. Little people hands. What’s not to like?
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
*attaches canes horizontally to dozens of old man walkers
*watches slowest jousting match ever
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Can you die from sitting on the floor to play with your kid, because I just tried to get up and it feels like you can die from it.
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high