Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.

The year is 1997. Your Tamagotchi is thriving. You just set a new personal best with your Bop It. Your mom packed Dunkaroos in your lunch. Everyone at school wants to be your friend. Life is good.

The year is 2020. You just found out Dunkaroos are coming back. Life is good.

If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.

Which undead creature most enjoys playing hide-and-seek?
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A wherewolf.

#happyhalloween

The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.

I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.

Going to pronounce fecal like decal

*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*

My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me

Celine Dion: all by myself

CDC: good

CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself

CDC: sorry but them’s the rules

[INVENTION OF BABIES]
GOD: Ok so, make them neediest during their first year, but don’t give them any comprehensible language skills until, like, way later lol
ANGEL: *Noticeably distressed*

Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?

Have kids.

News: Gas shortage

Me: Haha

News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage

Me: NO

Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.

Not helping

Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.

I asked the wife “how did you do it?”

She said “my knees tired”.

They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.

But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.

Did you try turning your relationship off and then back on again?

[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in

*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down
*picks up phone
*puts phone down

~me, doing cardio

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.

[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]

wow he looks just like him

The best part about Smarties is pouring them into an empty prescription bottle and shaking them all into my mouth while in line at the bank

(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies