Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing

4: Water!

Me: Ask me nicely

4: Actually, I’ll get it myself

[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]

Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT

Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*

me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?

therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy

MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs

ME: in case we get lost

MOM: we’re in an ikea

ME:

MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too

Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.

THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood

THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…

THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing

Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that some gorillas in the wild walk around carrying hammers and that they are called ‘Thorillas’.

If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?

Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.

Wife: Nothing you could say could convince me that cockroaches aren’t the worst.
Me: Wall-E’s friend was a cockroach.
Wife: Except that.

🤭

This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and

shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.

so you jump to death from the check-out desk.

If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.

I started cooking dinner, and my 7yo paused in her playing, gave me a hard side eye, and opened the window in anticipation of smoke. That burn is worse than anything I could do to the food, y’all.

If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.

I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”

i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.

Wait you *must* be the aunt I’ve heard soooo much about. The one who looks like Freddie Mercury and laughs like a jackal. Is this her honey?

“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression

DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.

My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.

*gives them a cookie when they come in*

My dogs are so stupid.