A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
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“Mum I think I’m pregnant. ”
“Are you drunk?”
“How do you know?”
“A mother knows everything, Kevin.”
#MothersDay
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
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When your man makes a valid point
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
“and this lake shall be called Superior”
all the other Great Lakes: “k wow we’re like right here”
*Weird bird sound in the distance*
4 year old: “what’s that ?”
Me who knows nothing about birds: “well that’s a juvenile red tailed warbler thing a majig calling out to its mom for a snack”
4: nods head knowingly with a head full of misinformation
A recipe for laughter
I’ve reached the point in my life where I’m ready for a life partner. But I’d probably be just as content with a cheeseburger.
Researcher: The data are wrong so I sent Jenkins to the lab to review the calculation-process-thingy.
Assistant: Algorithm.
R: No you stay here and help me.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think
Making snow angels but it’s just me rolling around in pizza cheese.
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
Dog Mechanic: The repair is gonna take longer than expected.
“Why’s that?”
Dog Mechanic: The clutch is worn out, also because I am a dog.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
It turns out when someone asks who your favorite child is, you’re supposed to choose from your own. I know that now.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.