Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Brain: I’m manifesting abundance.

Body: here’s another chin

This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice

My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.

Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”

*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*

Me: “Excellent.”

HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling

Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.

ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses

Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!

900 of you don’t read my shit.

FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]

(therapist voice)

Please, lie down on the shrouch.

moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed

Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.

It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.

After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.

[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years

Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls

Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours

You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”

Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.

ADELE: hello from the outside

ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”

I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.

Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.

My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”

why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.