A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
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future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.
I’d like to make my hangover regret me for once.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
My doctor just diagnosed me with a severe lack of awareness.
That came out of nowhere.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
My yoga teacher was sent to prison for fraud.
He did a 3 year stretch.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
I’d run away but I’ve got too many clothes.
I need to get some bricks…
Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
At urgent care with my 8yo
Nurse: is she allergic to anything?
8yo (child of a lawyer): We don’t know because I haven’t tried everything.😆
(May have a sprained or broken foot 🤪)
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i love health insurance
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Why everyone forces introverts to be talkative and get out of their comfort zone, but no one forces extroverts to shut the fuck up even for a minute so the zone becomes comfortable.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.