A near death experience but it’s just me waiting for my 7yo to pick out a souvenir
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I self medicate, therefore you live.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.
Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
HR: Please remember to log into the portal and update your goals!
Me: Ok. My only goal is to continue getting a paycheck.
Try and stop me.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Amazing how many stupid choices are made on smart phones.
Memories from childhood stay with us forever. Our first dog. Mom’s homemade cookies. Dad’s disappearance in the Bermuda Triangle.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
December birthdays be like…
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people