Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food

Me: I’m a programmer.

Person 1: “make my website pls”

Person 2: “I have a billion dollar idea”

Person 3: “can you fix my printer?”

Person 4: “How do I create a table of contents in Microsoft Word?”

Neighbor: “Can you fix the building’s elevator?”

Tony Hawk Pro Skater implies the existence of an evil, parallel dimension Tony Hawk Anti Skater.

“Good night, was it?” – Translation: You look like you slept in a hedge.

girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda

me: ok

her dad: *opens door* hello

me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda

I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.

A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.

I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.

According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.

Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet

TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.

Incorporate the word ‘verily’ into casual conversations so they don’t know what century you’re from

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

[me all weekend]
AAAHH CANT SLEEP TOO EXCITED ABOUT INDICTMENT

[Mueller on Monday]
We’re charging Manafort with running a stop sign in 1994

[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.

There are two types of people:

-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods

-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits

I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”

GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller

They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update

My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*

Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?

have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.

At Walmart during the holidays like..

“One time God gave me a snack!”
– Our 4yo, & we think she was talking about church communion

me: i’m going to buy the box of snack size bags of chips so i don’t eat so many calories

also me: [eats 32 snack size bags of chips in one sitting] well this didn’t work out.

[first day on a new job]

Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.

Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.

Nope. Not gonna follow anyone whose name is upside down. I got enough problems.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.