A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
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Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
To make space in prisons, judges are now sentencing low-risk offenders to pick up a few things at IKEA during the week before college starts
Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
My wife & I play this sexy game where she dresses up like a schoolgirl, then I dress up like a schoolgirl then we sit down & learn fractions
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
Writing some Valentines, do girls prefer to be called “slick” or “chief”???
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Not to get political, but my vote will go to the candidate who promises to pass a law making it illegal to earnestly call a sandwich a “sando.”
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”