Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Taco Bell implies the existence of all kinds of Taco Percussion

UK: Hey u ok
USA: What
UK: I saw what happened
USA: Im fine, nothing happened
Canada: Hey I know what I said before but you can’t stay over

Wife: any ideas for dinner this week and don’t you dare say hot dogs

Me:
Wife:
Me: frankfurters

No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

*receives text from wife

“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.

Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.

FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30

Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.

April showers? Big whoop, so do I.

energy cannot be created nor destroyed

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

[a commercial for tampons]

Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for

“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”

Narrator: “Tampons”

– Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
– Not *herd* of bees.
– You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
– I know, but it’s swarm!
– *sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.

WIFE: What’re you doing in the garage?
ME: I made a cloning machine.
WIFE: Don’t do anything stupid.
OTHER ME: Like what?

Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter

Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…

Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook

Me: Aww too bad

POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work

I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane

My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.

[months ago]

Me: I wish for one episode to be so dark no one can see it, one episode to include an infamous coffee cup debacle, and the series to end with Tony Soprano sitting on the Iron Throne.

Genie: And now we wait.

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.

Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.

Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.

[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back

I can tell people are judgmental just by looking at them.

ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!

ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?