A new breed of stupid…

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Waiter: What can I get you?

Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.


Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?

Me: I found the place

Owner: So?

Me: Finders keepers

Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn



Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart


Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.


JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels


ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled


Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.


Kanye goes to law school just so he can yell THE DEFENSE WESTS YOUR HONOR and moonwalk out of the courtroom. The defendant is executed.