Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
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Owner: What makes you qualified to be the new zookeeper?
Me: I found the place
Me: Finders keepers
Owner: *leans back in chair* Well damn
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
What do you call a group of kids?
….. a migraine
JURASSIC PARK is a movie abt how just bc something is great doesn’t mean u should bring it back and it has three sequels
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Kanye goes to law school just so he can yell THE DEFENSE WESTS YOUR HONOR and moonwalk out of the courtroom. The defendant is executed.
My uncle was a world-famous chainsaw juggler. For one show.