Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…

I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.

Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*

*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*

Me: What’s your favorite book?

Date: War and Peace

Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one

“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.

becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer

If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.

i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.

[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*

Bit strange that the same culture is responsible for both kissing and onion soup. You’d think they’d be incompatible.

[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]

Me: why did you abandon us?

Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.

Facebook definitely needs to change their name. Pretty sure books aren’t supposed to make you dumber.

5 year old: can we just have dessert for dinner tonight? I’m asking you first because you make great decisions.

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no

If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.

Adult. I was an adult.

“Hello, my name’s Drew and I’m an addict”

“Sir, this is a cheese counter”

This strange woman won’t stop talking to me so I’m going to stare at her eyebrows until she gets paranoid and leaves me alone.

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

Me: That tree is impeckable

“Don’t you mean impeccable?”

*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*

Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?

What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.

Do you know what’s cooler than those fake chains around your license plate?

Everything. Every single thing in the world.

I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles

[at a fall festival]

Him: you look gourdgeous

Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*

Him: please don’t leaf

Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.

So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response