Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.

Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they start swimming (into my fists)

“Did you hear there’s a Scottish pupil allowed to identify as wolf?”

‘Omg. Where?’

“No, just a normal wolf I think.”

My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.

Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week

🖤✌🏽

For most people when you lose your “khakis” you’ve lost your pants.

When you’re from Boston & lose your “khakis” you can’t start your car.

siri google “syrian rebels good or bad?”

siri google “syrian rebels: which side?”

siri google “syrian rebels cool photos”

siri google “syria where that is”

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means

You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address

Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.

Van Gone

PSA: when the family come to identify the body don’t yell “abracadaver” as you remove the sheet.

When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.

So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.

On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..

recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left

black friday used to have heart. i wanna see someone get clocked for a wii

If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit

Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance

I would give up shouting at trees for you.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.

Merry Christmas

Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.

[interview]

So what’s a personal strength?

“Honesty.”

And a failing?

“I murder people who don’t hire me.”

Me: this is my favorite place to do cartwheels but you have to watch out for the rocks
Date: those are headstones

SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:

was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?

ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?

I hate when the cashier ask me ” You doing alright today ” when I’m buying a 6-pack of beer with change.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality