Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

🐿️

“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”

-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses

can’t now..
having an heated argument with my toaster.

Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

*at reading of my will*

Executor: *opens envelope*

‘Ahem…’You selfish, bloodsucking little pricks…’’

Are black guys the ones with big dicks?

Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.

“No it’s OK, take your fucking photo first”

New friend: want 2 go tanning w/me tmrw?

Me: ok. sounds fun. idk where 2 get cowhides. do u?

I scream. You scream. We all scream. I’m not supposed to be at this slumber party.

My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

Me: are you or are you not my people?

My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.

A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants

Doctor: “To stop heartburn, avoid spicy and doughy”

Me: “But doctor. I *am* spicy and doughy!”

If my Roomba don’t like you, I don’t like you.

An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

Anyone want a chair?

My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk

Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.

You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?

just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.

Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”

My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.

[does his regular grocery shopping]

Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?

Me: ……………….yes.