Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there

Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?

Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?

just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.

I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season

Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.

I was just published in Science Fiction Bin Monthly, the only sci-fi magazine that’s printed and then immediately thrown in a dumpster. You can read my story in this month’s issue, but you’ll have to fight a raccoon for it.

Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”

horrifying if literal: the electric slide

it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too

Dentist: ok open up

“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”

Dentist: no I mean-

Assistant: wait bill…let him finish

“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments

“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments

High school teachers: “Your college profs aren’t going to be as lenient as we are.”

College profs: “Sorry I’m late I didn’t want to come.”

Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet

*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*

I’m over at my parents’ place eating dinner and my stepmom comes in and tells my dad, “Your furry daughter is eating” and for a second I thought I was being called out and accused before I realized she was talking about the squirrels my dad likes to observe outside

Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.

Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me

If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress

Me: *shares irrefutable and well known fact that no one has dared question in the history of the entire world*

5 year old: No it isn’t

One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.

I’m opening a secret ice cream club called The Inside Scoop

I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.

GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money

THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?

YODA (taking notes): Yep

At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.

wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no

A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.

CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow

SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever

CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.

I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?