Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter

Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…

Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.

Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount

me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?

woman holding urn full of ashes:

When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.

Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to life

Me: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.

Genie: There are four rules…

ME: I promise it will be different this time

THE BOOKS I NEVER READ: *throwing the flowers I brought into the compost*

As my girlfriend was trying on jeans, a clerk asked her “Need a bigger size?” I saw the look on her face and went to make room in the trunk.

*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**

“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”

Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?

My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that

My sister just had a baby and I texted the family group chat “oh shit new nephew just dropped” and no one found it funny they were just ashamed of me, which they should be

Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…

it’s the thought that counts

There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo

If you haven’t learned to use overlapping circles to demonstrate relationships Venn vill you?

I ate a chocolate bar in bed last night & my wife said, “you have a problem” so I replied, “no, you have a problem; I have a chocolate bar.”

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them

It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look

Is it “nemesis” or “nemeses”? I’m renewing my wedding vows.