Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.

My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.

I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂

Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible

My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat

Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew ✔
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew
Phew

The Chosen Phew

The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80

I just locked eyes with a spider.

But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.

10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.

8: [gives dog good morning kisses]

wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!

8: the dog’s cute

me: everybody run

Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.

You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.

Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?

-my 5yo, planning ahead

ME: And this is my daughter.

HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?

ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?

I was going to pour a glass of wine tonight but then I scrolled here and think you guys might need it more than me.

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along

Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.

Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.

My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta

5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?

Me: Ham? Yes

Dentist: Any sensitivities?

Me: I don’t like being called names

Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy

Me: *tearing up* Dude

Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip

Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.

Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.

“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty

my mother is staying with me for about a week, and i’m going to be honest, i didn’t even know the volume on my television went that high

POLICE OFFICER: Your name?

MAN: The Rock.

POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?

MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.

Alligators can live for up to 100 years.

So that increases the chance that one will indeed “see you later.”

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault