A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
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My daughter just asked me a math question then proceeded to make motorcycle noises in case you were wondering how homeschooling went this year
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
Thank goodness I have subtitles on, otherwise how would I know there is sinister cackling
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
[My Dad returning 15 years after he left to buy cigarettes] I’ve got toilet paper.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
moo deng still has yet to endorse a candidate and that’s so telling wow
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
[about to have sex]
her: I can tell this is your first time
me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Great news! I found the lid to my favorite Tupperware bowl – the one I threw out last week because the lid was missing.
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family