Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department

my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…

I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.

ME: How are you?

“I can’t complain”

ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough

Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.

Police officer is visiting my kid’s school.
Officer: So when things go bad, who you gonna call?
My son: *raises his hand*
Officer: Yes?
My son: Ghostbusters.

It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

me: so what do you do?

date: I work with animals

me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.

The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off

I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???

A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.

me: [typing] donkey kong

fbi agent watching my screen: don’t do it

me: donkey kong no tie

fbi agent: god damnit-[into radio] take him down

Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing

He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.

Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve

Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*

YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-

Me: I can take it from here.

I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.

[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

Not sure how it’s happened but my phone has started autocorrecting ‘thinking’ to ‘honking’ which has dramatically undermined about 90% of texts I’ve sent recently

“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

Thanks to my fear of the Duolingo owl, I’ve been practicing my French for 300 days!

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.