A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
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When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
I like to sleep with a fan in the bedroom. He makes me feel safe when my eyes are closed and writes really nice letters
If you’re feeling down, park in a handicap space and soon a bunch of strangers will tell you that there’s nothing wrong with you!
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Wake up, kids! Bees can’t even read, much less spell. IT’S A SCAM!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
I suggest to my kid that she could leave her purse at home as she goes to spend the weekend at her grandparents house.
“No, my money is in it.”
“What could you possibly need money for at Grammy’s house?”
“In case I need to make a bet”