A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
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Everything was great until I opened my mouth.
– An autobiography
<••• accidentally splashes pickle juice in my eyes…
“Ow! I’m brined!”
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
spot the difference
How is it still this week?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
guys: women are a mystery.
women: Here is what we-
guys: LITERALLY WHAT DO THEY WANT?
women: well for start-
guys: Guess we’ll never know!
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
i forgot to mention those pills i gave you might turn you into a sloth
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
[jim is typing]
“ok”
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
HER: what’s your stance on bullying in school
ME: hmmm probably like this *puts my hands on my hips and shakes my head disapprovingly*
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat like I’m a blackjack dealer
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
My parents just informed me that I can’t come in their house to pee unless I leave my 9lb Chihuahua outside. I’m officially peeing in their yard now, and will only attend the outdoor portion of their funerals 😂
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear