A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
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If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
I like my messages how I like my nuts – MIXED
Piglet: *sees recipe book* Honey-glazed…Pooh, what’s ham?
WinniethePooh: A food that goes well with honey. Now, how about a nice hot bath?
Dog: I will guard you with my life!
Cat: What was your name again?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
Coworker: Are you doing anything after work?
Me: No I did things at work and now I’m done.
I met my wife while on holiday. Which was awkward, as I’d told her I was going to a funeral.
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
[1st date]
“I’m really into roll playing,” I tell her with a wink, and make two pieces of complimentary bread pretend to kiss.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.
Me, 1
Kids, 0