A new gel is being developed that could coat your stomach and stop you from getting intoxicated. It’s like the old saying “Gel before beer, you’re in the clear! Beer before gel, wait what the hell?”
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The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
you’d think eating your young was more filling.
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Me: I’m just worried something really bad is gonna happen
Them *gives me a hug*
Me: and there it is
welp
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My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
never deleting this app.
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@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”
I’ve just realised, there really is a staircase behind our sofa.
All these years I’ve been laughing when my wife walked down it.