a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
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23. the denim jacket
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
All day long the girls have talked about wanting grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
I made grilled cheese and tater wedges for dinner.
Them: We meant hot dogs and Doritos…
I’m ready to be adopted now.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
*lawyer pops out of cake with divorce papers & pen in hand
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
It’s 5pm and I’m pretty sure my husband’s trying to get me drunk. Joke’s on him, I’ve been drunk since noon.
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
Body: We need to sleep
Brain: Do fish have any concept of rain?
Stomach: LET’S MAKE NACHOS
prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
Marriage is probably the least romantic thing you can do with another person.
Anyway, congrats on your engagement!
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
“You look worried.” Thanks, it’s the everything.
DATING TIP: Hold the door for your date. Rip the door off its hinges. Use the door as a weapon to fight off other men. Establish dominance.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought