a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
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i trust babies a lot because i can throw them pretty far
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air
everyone: [puts hands up]
me: [already mad with power] one hop this time
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
i’m sure this is part of an ad campaign or whatever, but out of context i thought shaq was having a psychotic break
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
My CW said not to drink cows’ milk cuz we’re not cows so now I get why she drinks almond milk-she’s nuts.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
tall people make me nervous. what the hell are you doing up there? stop eating the leaves off that tree
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
“just gonna move this somewhere so i don’t lose it”
famous last (known whereabouts) words
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
I’ve been attacked by a +2 Petite Pike of Pernicious Pokiness, but otherwise my dentist is very nice.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
Accidentally spilled some rice on my iPhone, so am now going to have to leave it submerged in water overnight.