Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Get your employees to work harder by “accidentally” leaving articles on the printer about reducing staff.

Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?

it’s dangerous to go alone. take this with you

multitasking lunch

Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.

Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’

Me: you can’t be seriousful

A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.

*Farmer walks into job application

Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.

Employer: BOOM! Tech support!

COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.

i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right

*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL

Apparently someone’s been stealing patrol dogs.

Police say they have several leads

#Police

I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.

Me *naked, singing into a shower head*

Karaoke manager: uh, we have a mic

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Please say a prayer for my former coworkers. They’re fine but they still work there

On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it

I love when really expensive products say ‘apply generously’ like of course you would say that

Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Chaos is my favourite word that’s spelled like it means it.

Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?

Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.

It’s easy to convince ladies not to eat Tide Pods.

But it’s harder to deter gents.

If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.

I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea

*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.

Pilots just fly straight into them clouds init, they don’t even know what’s in them. Could be bricks

Twitter taught me that:
1) Tweets don’t always have to make sense
2) People sure do love to answer rhetorical questions

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

I told her she’s prettier than soup without her knowing how many quality soups I’ve encountered.