A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.
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Breaking news:
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
*tries on a gas mask*
Me: Shit, I don’t look anything like a gas.
[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]
“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say
[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]
it seems as if every day science takes another giant leap forward
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
[ DEATH CERTIFICATE ]
Cause of Death: Sent girlfriend Eye Roll Emoji
Girlfriend: Babe would you still love me if I was human?
Me: Of course ba…wait, what?
*Her jaw unhinges*
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.