@GrowlyGrego

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

You Might Also Like

@KimmyMonte

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish

@kumailn

Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.

@Bob_Janke

People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.

@rablivingstone

Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….

@Donna_McCoy

Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.

@fanofhell

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

@aissalanis

I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.

@xLiserx

So you’re telling me we can land a spacecraft remotely on Mars, yet, very few men in my office can pee directly into a stationary toilet?

@AndyAsAdjective

HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes