A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

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Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish


Fruits are single-handedly keeping the sticker industry afloat.


People say “5 second rule” like that’s a thing. I just ate a piece of Thanksgiving candy off the floor.


Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….


Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.


Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people


I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.


So you’re telling me we can land a spacecraft remotely on Mars, yet, very few men in my office can pee directly into a stationary toilet?


HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-

ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes