[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
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One of the few joys in my life is when my kids step on their own Lego.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
my girlfriend and i are on a little road trip and she’s driving, which means it’s my job to look out the window and periodically say “horsies” or “cows”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Kids will be like “let’s play hide and seek!”, look for you for five seconds and then get bored, start playing hot wheels or some other crap and leave you contorted up in the laundry room
“You are what you eat”?
I don’t remember eating a giant disappointment.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I sure talked a lot of shit about my mom’s bathrobe for someone who now wears one around the house like Snape storming through Hogwarts
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Honestly I bet the inventor of the cannon would be relieved to know that they’re mostly about t-shirts now.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
“Daddy, why is it dark at night?”
It gives the ghosts and zombies a time to run around and collect little kids. Goodnight, hunny.
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
Miscakes
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.