A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
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Plumber: I think I found the problem
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Lady Frankenstein: Your manservant Igor gives me the willies
Dr Frankenstein: Sorry, he’s supposed to put them in the fridge
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.
“Evolution-schmevolution!”
-Bill DeNye, the Non-Science Guy
[Cretaceous Period]
T-REX: *eating pterodactyl, sad* I just wish it were meatier…
DRUNK GUARDIAN ANGEL: A meteor? Tha’s weird but ok 1 sec
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes:
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
[first day as a detective] I can’t remember where I parked my car
That moment when you see candid pics of yourself, taken from behind while out walking and it just confirms you look like a giant chicken nugget propped up on two waffle cones.
I know things ordinary people don’t know because ordinary people don’t talk to squirrels.
*I see my life flash before my eyes
*it pauses to buffer
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, stop making her go to work !
Me: Super size it!
Pharmacist: No.
Thoughts and prayers to everyone in Hawaii who finally came clean w/ a spouse or partner thinking the missile was on its way.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
sometimes ppl ask why they got blocked and it’s bc you posted something annoying so i looked you up, found your address, went to your home, snuck inside, looked in your wardrobe, and didn’t like what i saw
I’m already over this Barbie movie. I’m waiting for “Easy-Bake Oven” to hit theaters.