A new house isn’t a home until you’ve let a bag of salad die in the fridge
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The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
WIFE: I have a couple important announcements…First: I’m pregnant
ME: Hi Pregnant, I’m dad
WIFE: Second: No you’re not
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
My toddler just told me that she’s my best friend.
Then she told me that the toilet is also my best friend.
She’s right about both.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
[at a fancy restuarant]
WIFE: make sure u leave a good tip
ME: ok [writing on bill] “only evolve ur pokemon when uve activated a lucky egg”
I need a sleep apnea machine, but I have no room in my bedroom. Unless of course I get rid of my movie theater butter pump or my Jimmy Buffett Margaritaville blender.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.