A new level of troll.
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Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
The BMI chart says that for my height I should weigh 160 lbs.
My skeleton weighs 160 lbs.
Sure coffee will wake you up, but have you ever stepped into a cold shower that you thought was hot?
[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.
Leonardo the Vinci was 33 when he painted the sixteen chapel and here I am, 38 and I’ve not painted any chapels at all.
Adult: If it ain’t broke don’t fix it
Child: If it ain’t breakable, not interested
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
My tinder profile says I’m looking for an
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
GUY: Your logic is flawed. According to experts-
ME: Excuse me, but I practiced this argument in my head & you’re saying the wrong things
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I’ve had to walk past this monstrosity every day for the last few weeks and it’s really taking a toll.
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord