Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date at restaurant]

ME: so, do you like dogs?

HER: I’m more of a-

ME: CHECK PLEASE

*slurps from a spoon*
Yep this hot tub is ready.

Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.

I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.

I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.

Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.

I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.

You know you’re a bad cook when the dog won’t lick the plate.

You are NOT too much. You are ENTITLED to take up space. If the Suez Canal doesn’t have room for you that is the Suez Canal’s problem.

5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.

Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…

Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.

I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

Welcome to your 40s. Your ability to be sneaky will now be hindered by your bones cracking when you walk.

guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.

me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that

Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.

Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

DA: Where r my legal briefs?
Paralegal *hands him his boxers*
Judge: lol
Jury: We’re hung
Judge: ha!
DA: Balls in your court
Judge: DO MORE!

Voting for coroner

My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.

Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

me: my fish is very dry

waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water

me: smart

[ gets death tarot card ]

me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad

blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad

Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk

I’m never marrying anyone else that I find on craigslist.

-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already

Nurse: Where does it hurt?

Me: *Points to heart*

Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!

Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck