Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Mapping America’s Far Right

All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”

When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.

Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one

I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.

this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in

What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?

[commercial for twitter]

hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry

One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.

[Inventing octopus]
God: 8 arms
Angel: okayyyy
G: with suckie things
A: and-
G: Mouth like a parrot, shoots ink
A: wtf
G: …I ate mushrooms

If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy

Paid $50 for a device that has a motion detector that emits a sound to scare off neighbor’s cat….she’s out there rubbing up against it now

favorite tropes as memes

I don’t share cheese on the first date.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

How long after eating do I have to wait to drown someone?

back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are

So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.

Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?

I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.

This poor dog

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth