Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.

I have worked as a chef for over twenty years, and I can confirm that the “correct” way to cook scrambled eggs is whichever way makes you happy.

Life hack:

Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.

Opponent: I wish you luck

Me: Tha—

Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.

Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey

I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.

5yo: mom, my teacher says I smell better than you

me: excuse me what

5yo: I can smell more things

7yo: ohh with his nose

5yo: yeah, I can smell better with my nose…because you’re old

me: wow

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

😂

Cop: Have you been drinking sir?

Me: Medium Double Quarter Pounder meal please.

Cop: Step out of the vehicle.

Me: Sprite.

Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud

me: i trained my cat to talk

her: let’s see

me: name an object pronoun

cat: me-

me: what do i say when i’m hurt

cat: -ow

her: this sucks

me: just wait

cat: we’re just getting started Linda

I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.

“But she’s hot and not really that crazy”

~men about to have their bunny boiled

ranch dressing should be somehow condensed and solidified into fry shapes and fries should be pureed into a dipping sauce for them. assassins from every government on the planet are converging on my apartment as I type

“Why tattoos? You wouldn’t put stickers on a nice car.” Ma’am I am at best a 2003 Corolla.

I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.

I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.

A “good parenting” blog followed me. Should I let them know how long ago that ship sailed?

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.

I don’t trust scrapbookers because I feel it’s a slippery slope to ransom letters

“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”

– John F. Kennedy

Today is the day I write something beautifully profound

No. That was it. I’m going back to bed

Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.

Banana: 105 calories.

Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.

I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.

The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing

Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.

Some people will tell you mosquitoes and spiders play an important role in nature and I’m here to tell you we don’t need those people either