A new Ocean’s 13 but it’s me assembling a team of highly skilled thieves to help break my kid’s toys out of their packages
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My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
When my 5’8” husband passes a super tall person he’ll stealthily go back-to-back with them and whisper “who’s taller?”
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
Benedict Cumberpatch’s full name is Benedictionary Cucumbercabbagepatch.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
That was easy.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
For those that worship cheese..
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I overheard my husband tell his mother how vengeful and vindictive I am. Well, we’ll just see about that.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
[police interrogation]
“What do you do for a living?”
“Drug dealer.”
“Louder, for the tape.”
[leans in]
“Bug healer. I heal bugs.”
The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
3-year-old: *sits at the table forever without touching anything*
Me: *eats one cold chicken nugget*
3: THAT WAS MINE!
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
I went in to a pet shop. I said, “I would like to buy a goldfish?” The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium?”
I said, “I don’t care what astrological sign it is.”
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
The collective name for a group of killer whales should be an ‘orcanization’.
health insurance agent: and do you smoke?
me: *winking* only after sex
hia: *filling in the application* client doesn’t smoke