Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.

7 years ago to this day, I swallowed my gum and broke a mirror, so as you might imagine, this is a pretty big day for me.

me: where’s the milk?

supermarket clerk: by the eggs

me: no i just want milk

Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?

Sponch

My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half

kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend

me:

kidnapper:

me: which friend

My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.

[Cocktail bar]
WAITER: Ok, what are you having?

DATE: The worst night of my life

ME: [scanning menu] haha what a name to give a cocktail

Gave my 8yo $20 to buy a Hawaiian souvenir so he found a seashell on the beach and spent the money on ice cream.

Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish

Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms

I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it, every. single. time.

I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself

*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet grape was just eaten by his twin sister

yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas

Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie

Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.

We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”

My opinion of the American education system is largely based on how many nuggets I get when I order a ten piece.

How people watch movies when they’re:

DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up while I choke on a piece of popcorn*

I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.

No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.

I still lie about my age when asked. But, instead of shaving years off, I now add years on. If you tell someone you’re 66, they generally just nod in reaction. But, if you tell them you’re 73, you stand a very good chance of hearing, ‘Wow! You look great for 73!’

Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.

Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”

[getting escorted out of zoo] “I just wanted to see if the panda knew kung fu like in the movie”