Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…

Health status:

Moved on from WebMD and now watching House for any ideas.

Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.

*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth

I wonder if my date ever found her way out of that corn maze.

My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.

I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.

“Is that the guy who doesn’t know how to use the word poignant?”
Yea shhh he’s coming over here
THE GUY: hey guys! long time no poignant

White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:

“I shan’t even”

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

I just built an entire table backwards if anyone was curious what kind of idiot thinks they’re too smart for the instructions

I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

JESUS: Happy Father’s Day, Joe.
[hands over present]

JOSEPH: Wow, thanks Jesus. I wonder what it-
[present is empty]

[Jesus and God hi-5]

doctor: you fell 5 feet and hit your head. you might have some brain damage

me: did i break my legs?

doctor: it was only 5 feet

me: and they’re ALL broken?!

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.

I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.

“the only thing standing between you and your dreams is you” yeah have you met me that’s gonna be a problem

Tried a new flavor from my favorite brand of energy drinks.

It was the 2nd grossest taste I’ve ever had in my mouth.

(No offense, Andrea.)

Adding more corn and pumpkin to my diet this fall.

“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh

MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

I hope 2016 doesn’t get renewed. The plot is ridiculous and none of the characters are likable.

I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”

If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.

I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park

I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.

Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this

DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur

ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here