Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩

Coworker: …

Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?

Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.

Whoever named them fitting rooms has a lot of nerve

The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.

Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?

Beaver: yes please.

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

[finishing last sip of wine]

waiter: would you like another glass?

me: no just refill this one

[koolaid man typing into webmd]
My pee is red.

“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”

A funny thing about the Heimlich Maneuver is that it’s impossible to pronounce if you’re choking.

Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.

Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.

I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.

HR: Can you explain why your drug test shows incredibly high levels of THC?

Me: Tennessee Hot Chicken? Yeah, I eat that every time I get high.

Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.

How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.

Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?

Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.

velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night

judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.

My parents are replacing a toilet in the house I grew up in, so now it’s just some potty that I used to know.

Thanks for following.

It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”

– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.

Sure, most of my cousins are doctors and lawyers and professors with nice houses and adorable kids but I’m the only one who can digest milk

We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.

Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”

[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”

I don’t want to party like it’s 1999, I want to go grocery shopping like it is.