Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…

She died doing what she loved. Taking six different orders for eggs from her kids.

men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.

I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.

If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.

omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business

i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.

I just want to find a supplement that takes me back to my 22 year old body, skin, and hair. So magic. I’m looking for magic.

Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit

me: i’m so excited for fall!

also me: where the hell did the sun go?

Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber

My waterproof phone is advertised in commercials with people surfing and kayaking and here I am tweeting in the shower.

*Walks 500 miles

*Walks 500 more

*Is the guy who falls down at your door

*Knocks

*Gets no answer

*Realizes he should have called first

*in the car*

dog: where we going?

me: to the neuter clinic

dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!

me: no. your nuts

Me to anyone else: “it’s in that cabinet”

Me to my husband:
“it’s in the upper cabinet next to the fridge on the left at eye level. It’s bright green. It’s right there. IT’S RIGHT THERE”

If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter

Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.

starting a new competition called Bad Olympics where you’re not allowed to compete if you have any sort of natural advantage that makes you good at a sport

Worm: If you cut a glow worm’s tail off, he’ll be de-lighted haha

Me: I don’t get it

Early bird: I do

[job interview]
interviewer: any weaknesses?
death star: only a little one

6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope

6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet

6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry

6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?

🤣🤣

Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.

“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”

~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.

When I say something occurred under mysterious circumstances it means I forgot the circumstances.

For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital

I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.

How come Yoko Ono didn’t marry someone from Nickleback instead?